Well, given the circumstances of my last post, I am under quite a bit of stress (I lost my job – only source of income).
Let me lay this out to clear my frazzled mind:
– I have no income as of this very moment. I have enough to pay my phone bill and rent on the 1st of the month. So, rent for April will be paid. But, I have nothing for beyond that. I can’t give notice here…without somewhere to go…but I’m risking a lot by just staying…
– I’d rather just give my notice anyway, and cross my fingers that during April, I’d find something a) much cheaper, b) brighter and with counter space, c) some or all furniture. But again, what if I didn’t….not sure I can risk giving the notice to want to leave here without something else. But otherwise I’m locked into this current apartment for at least another 2 months.
– I applied for a couple of part-time positions in my current city.
– I applied to one online writing publication, but….I do write with Suite 101, but I think it only pays on “viewing”…it is not sustainable at all (more of a portfolio builder). Should I keep writing the articles anyway, and link them on my blog? Or send them to some friends? And maybe scrape up $5 a month?
I don’t mean to sound lazy about it; but I almost don’t want to put that effort into writing articles that don’t earn that better income. Money is the focus right now.
– I’ve said it before. I have HUGE dreams…but I also have to be real here: HEALTH and MONEY have to be up high, high, high on the list. I wish I could blend these things easier.
– I’m half-tempted to form a “better” blog and to put up all the links professionally, and then maybe try to show recipes 2-4 times a week, and stop being such a “debbie-downer”.
– I’m currently experiencing feeling worse physically. I’m “plugged” up …as in the big “C”…as in I”m uncomfortable as hell. And I have these severe stitching in the lower abdominal (below rib) and it wraps around the torso and causes a lot of lower and mid-back pain. Yipes. On both sides; but especially on the left.
Theories so far on this? That is (I think) an area where the colon bends down, meaning I could have a bowel obstruction (which would explain why I feel full after eating only 2 bites of food – yet force myself to eat beyond that constantly…and might also explain why the big “C” occurs); could be an infection called “diverticulitis” which involves bad left-side cramping due to infection and inflammation and bacterial overgrowth; could be a “cyst” on the ovary; could be an alien growing inside me determined to make my life a living hell….
So, I have to set off for a new doctor I think. I HATE that. I dislike doctors nearly as much as I dislike police officers. I mean maybe its nothing….but, but…if it IS something, I’m not willing to let it get worse…
I can’t focus on reading, writing, living, anything because I’m constantly focused on this….and I can’t take it anymore.
Once upon a time, I’d rather let the dark swallow me up and not see another day….and sometimes I still feel like that…but I know I have a reason for living…..this time…I KNOW it….and that is why I’m willing to face anything and do things I DON”T want to do….
every day I force myself to eat ( A lot) to no avail….every day I take ONE simple, short walk….and this is killer…killer of spirit, body, and mind.
I am a walker. At this time. And for a long time yet.
And that is okay. I have to “fake” that…I have to believe it, or I will go insane.
I must, must straighten out my health….that way I can finally, finally focus on my dreams….
And now, I’m still panicked….because I don’t know what to do…like I’m reading, eating, sitting, etc…but I feel I should be proactively finding a job, a way to earn extra cash somehow…instead of just sitting and flipping pages in a book, etc….BUT, i am not sure how to approach this. Are there sneaky ways to make money, to get “ahead’ in life that I am missing?
If I do decide to add “links” for articles, etc…I think I ought to start up a new blog just to make positivity a more focus and enable myself to be more professional. STILL REAL…but not like ….well, read the above…that is kind of not an attractive thing, no?
What do I do now? What?
I have no income. I have no where to turn. I am in this life with myself. I have me. And this is ….this is confusing….and overwhelming….and really, really crushing.
never not dreaming 