All last week was a numb and fragile experience.
I read very, very few blogs.
Last week was a …. god, what was it? I am not sure. Let’s just say I had a nervous breakdown practically. I saw 3 different doctors, had 3 different tests…and scheduled for several more unpleasant tests….scary things happened….
I was and continue to be “plugged” up (the big “C”) 5 days in a row….and in terrible pain….and it broke only for a limited bit….I’ve still not fully become “unplugged” and am in severe distress.,,,\
i think that is my life…my reality….forever….
I wish this upon no one else. It is not pleasant….I would not wish it on my own worst enemy.
I am physically at the lowest point I have ever been. I’m lucky to not be in hospital right now. But ….I am treading a risky and very fine line. Very, very fine line…things could get worse ..my heart, bowels, and liver are specifically showing hints…
I’ve reduced my walks to just one 20-30 minute per day. I’ve been in bed or sitting on chair. I’ve been and am “plugged”…nauseous….guilt-ridden.
But not reading food blogs has helped tremendously. Ironically, Michael Pollan (Journalist and Author) has even said that there is no one right way to eat….he has said that you cannot look to “food bloggers” or “nutritionists” or “doctors” or “journalists” (yes, he even said food bloggers). And I KNOW that helps. Not reading about the latest vegetarian or the latest paleo-enthusiast can be helpful….especially for me a big non-vegetarian (who still likes vegetarian things), and grain-inclusive, and binger like myself.
Yes, I even just last night did a double take. I went to town…it started with a full box of crunchy cereal….and on it went…
and remember: I wake up to simply eat again. I DO NOT exercise…beyond ONE short and laborious walk….SO THE GUILT IS PROFOUND…eating grains? eating way way too much? eating junk???
and NOT exercising? and being “plugged” and nauseous…not good my friends…not good.
I still have no job…and I have about a week to decide if I will keep this place after May (already locked in for May). Still have no job. My mother told me I have no option and must go home….not.going.to.happen. NEVER>…not an option…so I am desperately seeking a job….dear lord.
Unfortunately, I’ve Completely Lost My Head And Mind. Do you know where it is? I have ZERO concentration….which is why I saw a gazillion movies on TV this weekend, watch way too much reality TV (Celebrity Apprentice being my number 1 choice), reading fiction Sophie Kinsella I snabbed from the library to attempt at distraction, buying groceries with money that is on an “output” and not an “input” basis…and eating…and eating…and eating…and never ever hungry…and sleeping and sitting on my white ass 24-7.
One walk a day.
Dear god, please help me deal with the guilt and shame. Please.
I did make a Pumpkin Loaf Bread which tastes so so so amazing. I tried to take a picture …but you can’t see it…I have no light in this apartment…and I have no idea how to work that little camera I have. But its yummy. The recipe called for whole-wheat flour and spelt flour…but I used quinoa flour + brown rice flour. Also included eggs, honey (!), oil (lots), raisins, chocolate chips, pumpkin puree, spices, and some other stuff I can’t remember.
And again the guilt…why should I eat junk? why should I bake ACTUAL baked good (NOT low-carb) and binge on them….why should i binge on cereals, chips, chocolate? why should i eat way too much when NEVER hungry….why should i eat so many bread products? or grains first thing morning till late at night (every meal and snack) and so, so , so many animal products….when I NEVER exercise….for OVER 3 YEARS…..when I’m a lump?
Phew….got that out…just have to get the shame, guilt, and self-doubt out….good.
Go make some kind of yummy baked goods….eat grains…eat whatever …..YOU all deserve it…TRUST me…throw away your guilt and doubt….
I only walk one short, short, labored stroll a day…and i sit and eat…and its not working…and I have no job….
so Charlie Sheen has the sun coated in candy-shelled dollar bills shining from his ass compared to me….
something I will add….last week, i met up with a friend…and she has been very helpful for me this past week…she even went to one appointment with me…she talked to me….told me its okay….calms me down….tells me to rest and not think…and she told me something important also “ you must surround yourself with people who only have faith and confidence in you right now….because you have a huge physical and mental hill to climb…so you must NOT compare or look to others….you must focus only on yourself and believe in god and spirit…and rest and do for you”….
a real-life friend….and those words make sense
surround yourself with people who only have faith and confidence in you…
it is just like Oprah has said when talking about her methods for getting guests on her show …if they don’t want, she doesn’t want them…
peace. let us all have some peace.
— i have to say “shame on me” as I watch the ABC Evening News and they tell the story of a girl who was able to get a prosthetic leg and assistance from family to walk down her wedding aisle…and be carried home in the arms of her new hubby,,,,,i have to say “shame on me” as I watch another story on the local news about the girl who fights every day to re-learn just to move her toes….
i feel immense guilt for sitting and sleeping…it has been YEARS (not months)…and it WILL be at least another 2 years….this is my reality….and so shame on any of you as well that feel you do nothing….my god…do u even know? do u even know what u do? it is so amazing….so amazing…so amazing that i can’t even read food or fitness blogs like i once did…
Last notes on random posts or blogs I have managed to glimpse-read:
– this fun post about the Sweet Valley High books….I am wait-listed at my library for the new one….but it might be months before I get it there and I may end up elsewhere yet…so…no job, so not able to purchase…things are real, real, real bad financially…
– another wonderful post from this lady (who is one of my fave blogs…its about life and every little things…i can visit this blog and not think about “other” things…that is welcome for me)
– this girl always has “short n’ sweet” posts…and eats and loves sweet potatoes and tortillas like me….i eat potatoes every day..and grains every day….gulp …(that no exercise or movement thing triggers the gulp)..
– i always wish i was as centered and at peace as this girl seems to be
— stumbled into this blog and she can eat the whole bag of Alexis potatoes also (again, I feel she can…but me? not exercising…and eating a ton besides that…guilt ensues…i do it anyway)…
– this girl is in Australia!!! I would love to be there…oh my…
– this girl has some pretty neat recipe and meal ideas….nice ideas…
that is all for now….i’ve really just hit the fan with things lately….in every way possible..and no one understands…nope, not at all….i detest when people say “i know”….acknowledgment that is genuine is fine….but negativity or ignorance …i’d rather not feel it or hear it or see it…and i refuse to exclude foods or entire food groups….even if i sleep all day literally…i will not exclude (on that note, a therapist once told me long ago that binging, etc happens because your body is not trusting you or balanced yet…you’re not balanced…your all the time at one extreme mentally and-or physically…accept that in some time, when time is right, u might find that balance…in meantime, worry not and be your own friend – stop feeling you are a loser…i have to remember this…and i have to limit blog reading….its just too hard and can throw me unnecessary negativity)….