I’m not going to lie and pretend it is not hard. Because it is.
But I have to believe that is okay.
I spent some time away from several, several specific blogs. And I spent time as an “island”.
It helps to be an island. When you are an island….you can do no wrong. There is no wrong or right. There is no guilt. There is no self-doubt.
The truth: I once walked, jogged, ran, biked, did much.
The truth: I do none of these things no more. But I think the hardest thing about this is the extreme, extreme nature of it. For nearly 3 years….just a short walk a day. It seems insane. And I know…I know…many of you would never, ever be able to cope. In fact, you would be disgusted
Would you eat big meals and snacks and only walk ONCE a day? And sit sit sit the remainder of the day? Would you eat chocolate at all times during the day…would you even suffer insomnia and arise at 3 am simply just to eat more chocolate and then hear your bowels churn for the night? And would you then arise from your restless and sleepless nights to eat a big, big breakfast….fighting the guilt and doubt? And do that all. day. long?
When I hear and read people say they feel guilty for eating too much or eating junk…when i hear and read people say that they feel they must restrict grains and calories and sweets the next day….it poisons me….poisons me….I want to grab you by your shoulders and shake you beyond repair….I want to yell and scream: if YOU feel that way, then how the hell shall I feel?
Because you wake up and can move…..you can go to a gym…you can lift a weight….you can jog, stumble…you can run…you can bike, hike, …..you can raise your heart-rate, which is supposed to be a good thing.
I’ve done none of this for nearly 3 years…and if you knew my situation right now…right now…you would know that I will not be doing it for a long, long, long, long time yet.
Essentially I am in for at least a 2-year battle. This I know for sure. At least. I spoke with a person who has been there and is currently there again. She has buried exercise desires and dreams. She engages in her art now. In peace. And she eats.
Would you eat grains and wheat? Sugar and chocolate? Would you do all this if you were not moving …for a very long time…..people then frighten you and say “you will gain all fat, fat, fat”…that is wrong.
To that, I must choose to ignore. I must. Must. Must. It is the only way to survive. I can get fat. And healthy. I can go beyond anything ever deemed “right”. And I can then do things better. I hope.
I wish I had someone to tell me what to do. Not dumb-lipped doctors who offer different opinions and share your real thoughts. So am I right?
Or is this chronic feeling of fibromyalgia and muscle-tissue and bone-breakdown….is this a result of all the sitting? But what? I cannot just stand or pace all day long. I know when I walk , I am turtle-turtle slow….I find it a chore – a labor. The pressure on my heart and the stitches in my abdomen. And the back pain.
But I must not let others bring me down. As they eat and feel guilt and then move, accomplish, burn, burn , burn.
I shall not let it get me.
Every day I have to repeat to myself: “Everyday I am getting better”….”Everyday I am getting stronger”….I must repeat that 100x a day…as I sit sit sit sit sit sit….as my mind fails to focus….as I feel like my body is dead and cannot function right….as I feel the guilt and doubt and true wonder….I MUST say that….
I MUST be an island…I must must must….for it is the only only way to survive.
The only way.
And for some link love…positive blog posts or things read and seen….things where I do not have hear or see others that infuse me with guilt.
1. This post by a new blog I stumbled upon. Lovely and positive thoughts. This is a positive thing. It is neutral and simple. It is harmless.
2. Some simple fudgy pictures to admire and ponder.
3. This post here because without such pictures and enthusiasm from people who stay in these hotels and swim in these pools…how would I be able to dream? Dreaming is good. Very good.
4. This post because it makes me consider life and happiness.
That is all.
I wish I could say I feel better about sitting. I wish I could not feel this pain and this stiffness and this guilt. But I have to keep repeating to myself that “I am okay”….and despite the confusion of whether it is right….I have to just be….and hope this is right….god, please tell me what to do.
I feel so lost in my life right now. I have to decide if I will put in a notice for this apartment. But then what? What if I am unable to find anything in this small city (that I have no real reason to be in)? That…and the fact that I still have no job….still none…..what am I to do?
And I eat all day and all night. And I awake to do it all again. And I never exercise. Is it right? What do I do? what do I do.
Keep repeating that I am an island. An island. An island. And be positive. It is the only, only, only way to avoid a negative and miserable cycle that is far too dangerous to keep doing.