Feeds:
Posts
Comments

– Watching the Nightly News is mesmerizing for me…I get passionately interested in it as I sit and watch. I watch NBC, CBS, and ABC Nightly News all at the same time (channel-flipping)…the stories draw me in…ABC News had an interesting story on McDonald’s and job potential…another story on a (gasp) study that says strawberries – freeze dried – can reduce your risk for cancer, but the results are (shocker) “inconclusive”….Donald Trump will announce in June if he will run for president….

I get “riled up” watching these news stories…like I”m BURSTING to discuss them with someone else…

– I browsed a bookstore today (I have to do something while the world exercises…and I sit and stare at the wall)…I have about a million books I want to buy….obviously not going to happen, but oh boy, there are so many books there of interest (that my library does not currently carry)….

– My tummy has been not good today…I am extremely “plugged” up 😦 And I’ve eaten more grains than an olympic athlete…and I haven’t moved or exercised in over 3 years…gulp…does anyone “get” this…god, how would u deal…

– I have a bunch of medical tests coming up that have me TERRIFIED

– I hit snooze and it so setting the alarm is becoming a silly and pointless joke

– TV….yipes. Too much. Again, nothing produced or furthered in life today.

Just. Need. To. Get. Past. These. Medical. Things. Before I FREAK out…I’m so nervous, its insane (the anticipation will kill me)….

– Tried quinoa flakes…tried a new strawberry jam (LOVE)….just had a sudden intense memory of eating hard-as-rock gingersnaps with my grandmother as a younger person, and now have craving for gingersnaps…and my tummy is waging a war…and i keep shoveling in the grub (go me, freakazoid).

Advertisements

I know I could make about 1000 different posts with all the thoughts running through my head. Stuff that intrigues me like:

– Rumors that Matt Lauer or Meredith Viera might leave the Today show….

– Donald Trump ranking just below Mitt Romney and 2nd on who the U.S. population would support as the Republican candidate for 2012….

– How little Michelle on “Full House” looks so comfy in her bed with a pink blanket and night-light that I wish I could transport to that time and place and adopt a different life….

– I eat too much. I’m making things worse for myself. I really think I need to be more “gradual” and “simple” and I’m complicating things far too much…and I’m eating too much sugar and grabbing things here and there that do not help matters…I use enough sugar-stevia and fruit already…and the “other” is getting out of hand…but…

– I bought “quinoa flakes”…anyone try them?…they look yummy….cooked up in vanilla-flavored milk, with dates, molasses, berries, bananas, nut butters…even eggs, anything….I guess my breakfasts can get out of hand…yet I feel a lot of guilt for these carby things…at all my meals…like should I?…

– remember that I am not exercising..in fact, its worse cause I’m not even routinely moving…I literally sit all day…I wake up and eat, and onwards it goes…so would YOU have grains? and those excess carbs when not exercising and in an exhausted body? And do you have “big” servings? I like to think that 1/2 cup is a “serving” , not the odd little portions I see elsewhere…

– and on that note, do you always try to BALANCE things…are you caught up in this big protein obsession? And would you be if you did not exercise and were exhausted?

– I’ve been really nervous and anxious lately…I think I’m having mini panic attacks…I saw the clock turn every minute last night…I have done nothing all day…TRYING to be positive…I DID read a little….but other than that, I’ve been even more exhausted all day…gosh, this would be different if it were only a week or two…but it has been OVER 3 years….exhausted…guys, I don’t even attempt 10 minutes of yoga…its like I’m just drained and glued to the chair and bed….my iron is practically in the negatives…but still…gosh…

– very nervous why? Because I have so many “hospital” tests and new docs to see this and next week…and I’m terrified…I can “legally” be “put away”….and I’m the dummy that walked right into this one…I think I’m actually the one causing CAUSING all the pain by forcing myself to eat so much and by eating so much just “grabby” out of seeking comfort and stuff…I think I am actually the one doing it…so I might end up in hospital yet…gosh, guys, how will I deal with that….it will tear me apart 😦

– I think I need to start journalling more…seriously…

– writing: i have all these daydreams and desires, and this and that…but I never actually DO anything…I don’t even have creativity? Is my health stifling this? Or is it depression and excuses? BUT….I thought about this…instead of being frantic to “think of an idea”…do what people have advised me in past:

– READ everything

– Journal everyday…even journal “NONSENSE” stuff…like all your worries, etc…because this can help you clear your mind, and slowly, progressively gain back your creativity and desire…

so, I can try those two things I think. That is more doable.

I would LOVE it if you can respond to alot of the questions-fear-anxieties above….

and random questions:

1. What did you eat for breakfast yesterday and today, tomorrow? (Ideas?)

2. Anyone ever try chia seeds and these puddings people make with them? Or adding them to oats and grains? Is that something that might be too “complicated” for my weak and vulnerable digestion and bowels?

3. Can you come to my house and put masking tape over my mouth so that I stop grabbing things when already in discomfort?

4. Thoughts on the carbs and exercise thingy? Thoughts on how to be okay EACH AND EVERY DAY with just sitting as this body is utterly beaten down…literally…dear lord, It is insane how long I’ve felt like this…and I’ve been told it could be over 2 years to fully restore any function and energy and zest…and THEN cardio is pretty much not a possibility…which makes me wonder how I will ever be able to do anything in future…maybe in 2 years time I can do weights and yoga? Try to embrace and accept a new lifestyle? WISH I could that now…I do…but I’m just…I’ll shut up now, seriously shamed at my sedentary living…

I just wish….like I see so many people i admire…like Tina…she has an awesome blog, job, husband, house….she has a book coming out (way to go), she conquered weight loss in an admirable way to most because she never restricted or banned foods….she’s talked repeatedly about her sugar-loving and how she’ll never give them up…even when people give her tips on how to stop with desserts and sweets, she says she is just that way and she won’t change….she even talks about how her fitness schedule (one day yoga, 2 days running, 2 days weights) works for her, etc…so I admire her…

and yet, I still find myself dwelling and getting down when I read about that…cause I think “gosh, she doesn’t eat near as much as me”….or “ gosh, she is so productive”…or “gosh, she is a go-getter”…or “my god, my god, she can exercise…I can barely muster up one walk each day for 3 years…and she is monster”….and then i think of course she “deserves” carbs , etc…but i feel guilt…but WILL and DO eat them anyway….fighting the bad feelings…

How do I FOCUS? I have all these dreams and stuff…but I feel so mesmerized and lost and frantic and confused….every day…how on earth do I focus each and every day? My days just go by and by….(and particularly now, things are not not not productive at all…I’m freaking out over all these medical docs and tests I have to attend in the next two weeks, and dealing with an epic terror beyond any marathon of Alfred Hitchcock films at 3 am in the morning…beyond terrified….

confused

Random things that I want to say:

– Katie Couric will be leaving the CBS Evening News to pursue her own daytime talk show. I think that might go well.

– I eat so freaking fast. I am never hungry. But I inhale food.

– My ribs feel like they can bust from all the food I eat. But I’m told I need to eat….and I do anyway. I also have an insane sugar and stevia intake. I feel a great pressure and tightness on my chest, in between my heart, and it keeps me up at night and makes sitting, standing, and lying down very difficult…the only position left is hovering in the air, and I haven’t mastered that one yet….

– Saw a random doctor today. Relieved some worries. Intensified others. I have such a fear that I will end up in a hospital…And not believed. So fearful. Such mistrust. I’m lucky I did not end up there today…but I might yet…I really don’t know what will happen.

– So many bloggers and others promote healthier foods and ingredients….what would you do if you really couldn’t be picky or have the energy to be too healthy or get all the best ingredients?….what if you had to go into a hospital and had no choice but to eat greasy pork, enriched white bread, fake margarine, cookies from ancient ingredients, dried meats, strange yogurts, greasy carrot cake, fake peanut butter, etc, etc…seriously, had would YOU or the healthy bloggers or the magazine or TV people or gurus feel then?

What would they do if they had no choice and literally had to have that…no choice?

I’ve been there…I might be there again.

So, I’m really disheartened and peeved when I see others write or say that they could never have those kinds of things cause their so impassioned in their newfound love of food…it drives me nuts….you don’t find quinoa flour, hearty breads, real butters, cookies made from loving scratch, real meats and fish, REAL sweet potatoes, or whole-grain options there…nope, I know this…

– I can feel so freaking full all day and night…but still eat…and the pressure and body symptoms WORSEN…but I keep it up….I tried at one point to go more “natural” with things…and ended up regressing….HOW ON EARTH do people and celebrities exercise BIGTIME and eat so bird-like (like minimal number of calories) and be fine??? What the hell is up with me?

I literally only walk ONCE a day…and it is NOT a power walk. I haven’t touched yoga in a LONG time. I sit all day long…sit at computer, sit to eat, sit to read and watch tv, sit in waiting rooms, sit in my car, etc etc…

– I’m especially hurting and stuffed at night…but my nighttime snack becomes ginormous…and makes the pain worsen just as I go to bed…not a good thing cause the pain on my chest intensifies, and I find deep breathing a difficult task…not a good feeling.

But I have big bedtime snacks. I have a lot of different things. And I always have GRAINS AT EACH  MEAL (and typically at snacks too)…and STILL more grains before bed….making muffins and loaves is neat….with quinoa, or brown rice flour (to name a few) ….(won’t find that stuff in a hospital…)…

Maybe I’ll maybe a single-serving muffin…nice big one to add in….anyone have the PERFECT recipe for that???

– So I’m stumped…it really really hurts to eat….my digestive system is sluggish as hell, and food moves through at the rate of a slug stuck in molasses…

thoughts? I feel like EVERYTHING fills me up…carbs, fats, proteins, etc…how on earth to make this easier? I think I’m gonna bust 😦

Other thoughts”

– bought a new strawberry jam , which is yummy…also bought some wraps and brown-rice flour bread food for life…expensive, but thought I’d try it

– I have a LIVING problem….I have to give a month’s notice on this apartment,,,so I”m definitely paying for May month yet…but then what??? I lost my job….i have no reason to be here…and I’m tired of it…

gosh, i feel so so so regretful, guilty, and shame…things could be so perfect if I could move in with another acquaintance…perfect…BUT….how can it be??? how?

– when I literally take one short walk a day, and the other very active…how would that pan out???…and then with eating?

– words and actions don’t seem to mesh…the disgust, anger, accusations, etc…

– could it work or not…I want it to so badly…then there’s fear…

and so I feel so so so so bad….I’m at an alltime low in every aspect of my life…if I were normal, and could exercise and stuff, cool….but I can’t…and that seems to kill it out to hell…shame on me…

and the person only made me feel guiltier for it…as did my mother who likes to remind me that “all my other siblings are working and functioning just fine”…

ouch….

I feel ashamed and guilty…

I can’t deal with myself…idiot…

– what else isn’t good? I can’t focus on anything like my passions, creativity, plans to further my future at all…its like I think about my health 24-7…I nap, sleep, rest, one short walk, try to read or calm down a bit and not worry so much…

– ouch, everytime I breathe and breathe deeply I get an insane pressure and tightness in my chest…the doc said not to worry about it at this point (getting more testing done)…but it hurts…hate that…i feel like someone is squeezing my ribs and I’m gonna burst at the seams….i think my tummy is the size of a pea and won’t take the food into it, so I’m bowling over in pain…so how to “keep it up” and not regress more without such pain….this is what makes me angry….I had been progressing, and more back-tracks…and it screws everything up with timing and moving and what could-be or should-be….

– over and out…what a weekend and a day…need to just close my eyes and try to distract from this discomfort…sleeping makes it difficult also…lying down i can feel it all…not sure how to remedy that…wish I could find someone who has experienced the exact same thing…ugh x 1000

This n’ That

I have so much on my mind….this post could involve a million different things. Fun things. Worrisome things. Yipes. Too much. I cannot write it all. In fact, as much as I want to be personal here and vent and worry a bit, I’m learning that I absolutely cannot. My ex-acquaintance reads this blog and I think is or could stir up ridiculous trouble for me. So…enough of that.

I will say this:

– Rice, crackers, OATMEAL, muffins, cookies, banana bread, BREAD, etc…these are fine, right?

I’m eating them. And not necessarily “balanced” with proteins either….I mean, sometimes, what if at night you want a load of carbs (which is actually popular belief, i.e. eat nice carbs at night like oatmeal, popcorn, biscuits, etc etc)…not saying that is all…but why does everything have to be “balanced”.

– Yes, I feel guilty. I don’t’ exercise. God, guys…how do I deal with that. Its been OVER three years. I REALLY think its too late for  me. And people tell me “its only healthy to exercise”…but I’m NOT….I am not motivated for yoga because a) same old apartment, no new tapes to try, and b) depressed and lazy, too distracted to actually concentrate on it, c) never ever able to afford classes – which would be great, but…

So..not exercising…and eating carbs…and maybe sometimes just big bowls of carbs…

see my digestion is so “OFF” and confusing…I think I need to bump up the “easier to digest” foods a bit….now, some theorists will tell you grains are hard, hard to digest…but jeepers, if that’s the case, then we can all argue that EVERY food is hard, and no one should eat….

When I was in hospital a long time ago…I had tons of cereals, breads (often no proteins even, just doubled up the carbs serving, proving that you can survive all grains), I had rice, mashed potatoes, take-out from swiss chalet (i’d like to go to swiss chalet soon myself i think), tim hortons, and pita pit sandwiches….I had so, so many peanut butter and banana and jam sandwiches…i mean at meals, snacks, bedtime snacks – pb & j & banana on stale, enriched wheat flour bread, pastas, cookies, date squares, carrot cakes, ice cream, apple crisps, etc etc etc

my point? I didn’t die. I did NOT like it….I did not like the circumstances, nor did I agree with any of it….BUT, I came out of after 3 months, and I kept eating like that…I FORGOT about my sister…and I CONTINUED to eat sandwiches, I went to school during the day and my supper meals ALWAYS included Uncle Ben’s rice and some desserts and crackers….I ate frozen dinners, I bought tubs of ice cream ….AND I DID NOT FEEL GUILT….after about another 2 months (so 6 months total) I did a jog-walk method and slowly became a jogger again…

THEN, i went home for Christmas….got triggered by something or one that I won’t go into….and ended up going back to feeling lack of freedom, feeling anxious, stressed, worried….and slowly havoc ensued and it all went back to crap for me….

Now, Its been 3 years of only walking…am I being lazy or gullible? Or what? Jeesh, its impossible to know. I’m DETERMINED TO END THIS NOW>….i KNOW it will be a long journey,,,,I have another year at least to just “restore”…then I’m hoping I am re-balance…is it too late for me….30 years old…no exercise for 3 years….extreme digestion problems….all prolonged…I worry that it is…

Anyway….I’m not dying 🙂

Promise. Remember my words are the deepest core of worry and thoughts. But I’m not stupid…I won’t risk life and limb…I”m just expressing it all , know what I mean?

I’m just saying that I feel GUILT for it…not NOT talking about anything other than that…so , yeah, that would be that…

Some foodie questions for you in what you like:

– Breads: Ezekiel? Food For Life? Silver Hills? Homemade?

– Muffin and banana bread recipes? I bought 3 flours: buckwheat flour, quinoa flour, and brown rice flour.

– You’re current breakfast? lunch? dinner?

– Cottage cheese? I haven’t had it in a while and noticed that “Western” has a pressed cottage cheese that might be interesting (I eat a lot of dairy, but whatev).

– Ummm….I’m been eating a lot of fruit and prunes and dates…don’t laugh…but I eat them straight up…a bag of prunes and dates I eat alone even by the handful….like their a bag of sour-key candies….so I’m weird…

– Favourite ways to prepare oatmeal in the morning or at bedtime or whatever?

I just wish , really really wish, I could STILL exercise…man oh man, that would make this SO  MUCH EASIER…right?? It would, it would mentally not be so hard…BUT I have to BELIEVE….I have to BELIEVE I can get healthier…I WILL darnit…I WILL

Its just gonna take time. Slow n’steady…just let it go with time…

I know that a lot of people rid themselves of “food issues guilt” by embracing food….they actually FALL IN LOVE with cooking, baking with all these wholesome, natural ingredients…or LOTS OF people seek this “new identity”….like you will see a TON of people go vegan and explain that it “cured” them because it gave them a new perspective on food….good for them, and more POWER TO THEM…

BUT< that is not FOR me…it is not…do I eat healthy? Yes. Do I like wholesome ingredients? Yes.

BUT, I do not want to be a food nazi….I don’t want to worry about ingredients or something NOT “au- natural”…for the love of god….I KNOW I have a different purpose in this life…I KNOW IT….and though I know food is a huge part of it (yeah, I’m interested in nutrition, and yeah, I’d love to start up a bakery-business from home with a sibling or something on the “side” for the sheer wonder of it)…but I also want to read, write, love….know what I mean? I want to LIVE so that I can be INSPIRED to be CREATIVE…so I can actually write…know what I mean?

So I don’t want a “food identity”…I don’t need any identity…I just want to be me, happy, and creative and IMAGINATIVE….but, gotta get the health first…

So, I somehow need to get myself peaceful for april…I’ll try to figure that out…I need a) less computer time, b) more meditation time. See no evil, think no evil…know what I mean.

Now,,,if I could just get past some of the guilt….what you think about “easy-to-digest” foods? Ever feel guilt? How would YOU cope without exercising so long (seriously tell me)?

How on earth to rid myself of the regret and shame and guilt? Cause I have tons.

p.s….I did in hospital,….and do NOW….still have tons of proteins and fats…the reason I stress the carbs is for the guilt, exercise non-existence, etc circumstances…and yes, i eat sweets!

And that said…I am now locked into another 2 months in that basement tiny apartment…the one where I have only one SQUARE for a counter…its all one-room….and the window is 3 feet above my head and i never know if its night or day…not cool….but I couldn’t risk putting in notice and then not finding something cheaper…so , what could I do…

and oh yeah,,,,still no job….freaking…out…bigtime….

Okay,,,see you all…this was too long and rambling 🙂

Every corner of my world is a safe place. Even in the dark of night when I sleep, I am safe. I know that tomorrow will take care of itself. My dreams are dreams of joy. I love waking up….

My bed is a safe place.

– Louise L. Hay

 

I would be lying if I said I was not scared. I’m not sure I can say why I’m scared (I know…but I’m not sure I should write it here).

Sometimes….sometimes I wish I could rest my head against a comfy couch…sitting next to my mother or sister…and feel…safe.

Sometimes I wish that.

Sometimes, I wonder how much longer I will live.

I am filled with utter shame, regret, and disbelief as I write this.

Days go by and I accomplish nothing. Still no job. No income. No new, cheaper apartment found. No books read. No productivity had.

Still in physical pain. I’m kind of worried now…that no matter how much food or what kind of food…it might not matter…because its been over 3 years of me “playing’ and going up and down…not committing to full health because instead I’ve obsessed, or felt guilt, or compared, or been depressed cause I can only walk (three years + …just walking)).

I fear it might be too late.

I think my kidneys are shutting down on me….I can’t focus on books….I’m slow during walks…I don’t even bother to attempt yoga anymore because I feel so physically uncomfortable, I can’t stand the thought of it.

I eat fast. And a lot….

But, I’m going to strive to NOT be afraid of food.

So, I sit, right?

Well….FROM NOW ON….oatmeal, cereal, breads galore, muffins, NO GUILT…NONE

I’ve been in hospital before….in a tiny, tiny room…no walking for months and months….and I ate everything under the sun….and I didn’t blow up or whatever…

my god…my poor body…what I’ve done to it…I just HOPE and PRAY I have not gone to far…because the bowels situation + the inability to do more than walk + the severe side stitches…suggest the whole body is shutting down on me…

maybe my electrolytes are so out of whack, that they need to be balanced first…and I might not be able to do that on my own…but I just can’t bear to go to a hospital…I cannot…I’m in a city all alone with no one else but me….I will never ever go home…so I have no one….and I just can’t face it…

I can CAN do this on my own right?….come back from death all my own? …wake up and sit SIT all day long…and eat ALL food groups at ALL times…starting at breakfast and going forth…NOT caring if protein is smaller…or if PB sandwiches are chock full of carbs….

This will be hard…I was talking to another lady who battled…it was a 5 year journey for her….she still does not exercise today…but she at least DOES NOT OBSESS anymore….she ate pies, milkshakes, corn grits, toast, dairy, proteins, grains, tons of ice cream (!) and didn’t blow up….she sat 24-7….she gained lots of fat …yes…BUT, it all balances in the end…THE BODY GOES WHERE IT WANTS TO GO…..she doesn’t do any exercise anymore because of the long journey and abuse…but, BUT…she can focus on her art-work (painting) and she loves the simple things in life…she doesn’t give any hesitation or focus to food….she eats pie and cake and ice cream when she wants…sure, she eats healthy…but she’s not a martyr…and she eats a lot and she’s happy and actually DOING things in life…versus dying…

Maybe I’m all wrong…maybe none of this is my self-inflicted abuse…maybe this is a legitimate disease or condition…all I know is that I have to get my body up stronger…I am too ashamed for any family members to see me…and that is too bad….

I wish I could get along with my sister…feel safe with her….rest my head against a chair and feel safe with her nearby…like everything can be okay…but instead???? instead there would only be disgust, glares, impatience…instead there would only be that disgust and anger and resentment….instead i would feel that, i would see that….and i would sit all the time…all the time….while she could move…..petty as that is…i’m not sure that could be coped with….

how sad

i am ashamed…i can think of people that “contributed” to this…but in the end…it is all on me….

i see some bloggers eat whatever the hell they want….tina with her entire pizzas or cookies or confessions that she will never, ever give up sugar….kath will her love of breads and grains….etc, etc….and then i see that they run marathons, or work out every day…and i think ‘oh”…but that does not matter , right? I can still do that and SIT and go above and beyond their kinds of foods , right? ……and they accomplish so, so much in life….

I’m going to be more positive….what happened to the CONFIDENT, quite, independent, FOCUSED girl I was????

This is not me. This is not me.

I am scared . I confess that. And you know what? I’ve never been a religious person….but I need FAITH now….because I have dug myself into a very, very deep hole..and this is going to be one tough battle alone…so, I’m going to go to bed at night and hope and pray to God to keep me safe….and to help me do this on my own…without hospitals…PLEASE….is that selfish? will God instead decide He has a better way for me (doctors and hospitals)….or will He encourage me through this…

I can do this, right guys…. I can…

so you tell me….imagine you sit 24-7 indefinitely…and u need to honor your body and build health and ability and a body that can function and be okay….give me suggestions for good breakfasts, lunches, suppers, snacks….things that i never have to fear or feel guilt over EVEN if i sit 24-7….

damn the magazines…damn the “certain” food blogs that restrict or exercise…damn the TV stations….damn the latest diet plans in bookstores….damn it all….

i need to try to save this body…

I’ll give myself 30 days….and then reassess from there….I have NOTHING to lose, right??? I WILL NOT be able to exercise in 30 days (I’ll only be an inch in my LONG journey by then)…but I’ll at least see if anything improves a teeny bit….and no fears or shame anymore…maybe I’ll be “okay” with walking….maybe the stitches will lessen??….30 days cannot make or break anyone…if I do it like that…I can be okay with just sitting and just eating absolutely ANYTHING….carb-filled….or “not clean”….

Have I said TOO MUCH????? Me thinks me has….

but after 30 days, if I’m in a better frame of mind, I’ll consider a new blog…one where I can talk about cool, fun topics…think I’d like to instead….

Okay, have a sweet night all..i SO appreciate the comments …not sure why you read (seriously)…but how awesome and amazing you guys are…how …cool….

this is a bold and very private entry really….but its on my mind…i don’t mind saying it because i realize this blog is just an “in-between” for a bit as i sort out my brain

A question to myself….

what do i deserve?

for over 3 years i have not been able to exercise

i’ve watched my body deteriorate

to the point where i am currently falling asleep in extreme and drowsy fatigue; feeling achy and stiff at all times; unable to jog, jump, bike, swim, lift weights, stretch, do yoga; fuzzy fuzzy brain so that reading becomes impossible, and yet there are a stack of books i yearn to read on my floor…but i can’t concentrate on them; currently have no income and not sure how the hell i’ll make payments this month or next when i am solely financially on my own….

back to my body –

i’m mad at myself….i’m pissed off at myself…i’m oh so very disappointed in myself

3 years

and now i fear it is too too late

why? because my body seems to be rejecting itself….food is not the answer anymore…and i’m afraid i’m reaching the point where i have to turn to something else….something i’m missing….maybe certain minerals or something that must be restored via other hospital-based methods

this body stumbles from bed in the morning and sits and eats…then fights off sleep apnea during the day….and stiffly takes one walk….and shrugs off the thought of doing even ten minutes of yoga because at that point the back pain and stomach pain is too severe to handle

this mind cannot read or write….oh what it could be capable of if only….my imagination….gone….my ability to read and LEARN is limited because i can’t concentrate on a page long enough to absorb the words…but there is so much to read and learn and do and i’m misisng out

my money gone….my jobs gone….my body gone….my potential for exercise gone….my mind….going

so what do i deserve?

do i deserve to eat grains if i don’t exercise?

would u? can i stop this guilt???? if you sat on your ass for the next 12 months of your life and ate a ton of grains…and ate ice cream…and ate oats, cereals, breads, chocolate, granola bars, REAL ice cream, milkshakes, takeout from Swiss Chalet, a pizza splurge……if you sat on your ass and did not move for the next year and ate all that…above and beyond your normal weight….

would that be okay???

i’m tired of this shit

i’m taking back my life

i’m taking back my mind

and i’m so so so so so sorry my body…my once capable and healthy and vital body…i fear it may be too late….so let me save my mind….grasping for one thing

unglued

Well, given the circumstances of my last post, I am under quite a bit of stress (I lost my job – only source of income).

Let me lay this out to clear my frazzled mind:

– I have no income as of this very moment. I have enough to pay my phone bill and rent on the 1st of the month. So, rent for April will be paid. But, I have nothing for beyond that. I can’t give notice here…without somewhere to go…but I’m risking a lot by just staying…

– I’d rather just give my notice anyway, and cross my fingers that during April, I’d find something a) much cheaper, b) brighter and with counter space, c) some or all furniture. But again, what if I didn’t….not sure I can risk giving the notice to want to leave here without something else. But otherwise I’m locked into this current apartment for at least another 2 months.

– I applied for a couple of part-time positions in my current city.

– I applied to one online writing publication, but….I do write with Suite 101, but I think it only pays on “viewing”…it is not sustainable at all (more of a portfolio builder). Should I keep writing the articles anyway, and link them on my blog? Or send them to some friends? And maybe scrape up $5 a month?

I don’t mean to sound lazy about it; but I almost don’t want to put that effort into writing articles that don’t earn that better income. Money is the focus right now.

– I’ve said it before. I have HUGE dreams…but I also have to be real here: HEALTH and MONEY have to be up high, high, high on the list. I wish I could blend these things easier.

– I’m half-tempted to form a “better” blog and to put up all the links professionally, and then maybe try to show recipes 2-4 times a week, and stop being such a “debbie-downer”.

– I’m currently experiencing feeling worse physically. I’m “plugged” up …as in the big “C”…as in I”m uncomfortable as hell. And I have these severe stitching in the lower abdominal (below rib) and it wraps around the torso and causes a lot of lower and mid-back pain. Yipes. On both sides; but especially on the left.

Theories so far on this? That is (I think) an area where the colon bends down, meaning I could have a bowel obstruction (which would explain why I feel full after eating only 2 bites of food – yet force myself to eat beyond that constantly…and might also explain why the big “C” occurs); could be an infection called “diverticulitis” which involves bad left-side cramping due to infection and inflammation and bacterial overgrowth; could be a “cyst” on the ovary; could be an alien growing inside me determined to make my life a living hell….

So, I have to set off for a new doctor I think. I HATE that. I dislike doctors nearly as much as I dislike police officers. I mean maybe its nothing….but, but…if it IS something, I’m not willing to let it get worse…

I can’t focus on reading, writing, living, anything because I’m constantly focused on this….and I can’t take it anymore.

Once upon a time, I’d rather let the dark swallow me up and not see another day….and sometimes I still feel like that…but I know I have a reason for living…..this time…I KNOW it….and that is why I’m willing to face anything and do things I DON”T want to do….

every day I force myself to eat ( A lot) to no avail….every day I take ONE simple, short walk….and this is killer…killer of spirit, body, and mind.

I am a walker. At this time. And for a long time yet.

And that is okay. I have to “fake” that…I have to believe it, or I will go insane.

I must, must straighten out my health….that way I can finally, finally focus on my dreams….

And now, I’m still panicked….because I don’t know what to do…like I’m reading, eating, sitting, etc…but I feel I should be proactively finding a job, a way to earn extra cash somehow…instead of just sitting and flipping pages in a book, etc….BUT, i am not sure how to approach this. Are there sneaky ways to make money, to get “ahead’ in life that I am missing?

If I do decide to add “links” for articles, etc…I think I ought to start up a new blog just to make positivity a more focus and enable myself to be more professional. STILL REAL…but not like ….well, read the above…that is kind of not an attractive thing, no?

What do I do now? What?

I have no income. I have no where to turn. I am in this life with myself. I have me. And this is ….this is confusing….and overwhelming….and really, really crushing.