undone

little girl skipping over rocks

picking up blackberries to bring back to grandmother

in the little red cabin

….

little girl skating on a pond

afraid the ice will break

but caring not at all

….

little big girl bounding uphill

poles in hands

up, up, stride by stride on the snow

…..

little big girl flying over rocks and stumps

slow, slow, slow, fast, fast, faster

quietly crossing the line

no smile, but smile inside

a little

…..

little big girl tired

tired

let there peace

tension, wincing, grimacing at the shouting

tension, wincing, grimacing at the looks

tension, wincing, grimacing at the disbeliefs

…..

little big girl tired

shut off the lights

she is tired now

why do they tire her

what has she done

can she just live

….

little little big girl

loses her freedom

they have her now

and she is alone

she faces the wall as she lies on her bed

each day

each night

same thing

she is alone, but she is okay

she is just….

broken

…..

little little big girl

is never the same

broken

too much

…..

little little big girl

loses freedom again

and now she is gone

broken too far

spirit undone

true self lost

she will lose herself there

she will gain skin, flesh, bones, stomach, lumps, pudge, softness,

and she will lose lose lose

her

self

she will lose

herself

the girl she was

is gone

they don’t understand that

she

will

lose

her

soul

…..

little little girl sitting in the barn

sweeping up the hay

raking up the leaves

jumping into haystacks

holding up the fat puppies as they yawn their puppy breath in her face

dancing in the club with arms bare

hauling on the mesh fabric

standing with the medals

eating up the toast

skipping to the store to get the sour keys

slapping at the nippers on the trailer walls in the summer

drinking the orange crush and giggling at the orange mustache on their little faces

giggle

shiny eyes

why the yelling

there are blackberries to gather

why the yelling

there are hills to climb

why the yelling

there is the christmas feast with that blueberry pudding and the funny white sauce

where is the little big girl?

who are they?

why is the bed so cold? the bathroom so tight? who are the sick people lying next to her?

why do they stare?

what is this gravy? what is this peanut butter and 3 stacks of bread with french toast?

where is her mind?

where is the spirit?

where

is

she

gone

……

little big girl

eating the chocolate

good good bye little little big girl

time to lose more of yourself

…..

remember the horses

remember the cold rink

remember the snowy trails

remember the muddy trails

remember the cabin

remember the tree

…..

too much bad

why so much bad in the world

time to lose a bit more of yourself

little big girl

try not to lose it all

will u remember me

will u remember me

she’s gone

she’s not the same

she’ll never be the same

she’ll never be the same

close her eyes

and imagine arms around her shoulders as she sleeps

imagine

as she hugs herself tight

and hopes god

is

holding

her

tight

….

footsteps lost

no footsteps

dear god

please hold her

please carry her

and set her back down

so she can once

again

see

her

footsteps

and

so

she

can

cry

onto

them

and

mourn

the

loss

and

thank

you

for

carrying

her

and

thank

you

for

carrying

her

….

let

her

find

her

footsteps

again

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