too much panic

Am I not trying hard enough?

I am so confused right now. Will this consistent 3 year++ confusion ever leave me?

I’m applying to jobs and still nothing…when I pay my rent this weekend, I’ll have less than $100 in my bank account. Yes…I have loans, bills, LOC, car payments, car insurance, rent, groceries, gas, etc etc etc…

I’m going to put in my month’s notice this weekend. That might be insane. But I need a window…It’s like its midnight at hours in this little place…moving with be hard, I have no energy. My energy levels are as low as they can get…I don’t even walk most days now…instead I sit and I sleep a lot. A lot. I’m being honest. It kills me when I see others comment to others “do you still walk or something if you don’t do your hard-core exercise that day?”…when all I do is walk each day. If that. And its almost a torture to do that. I’m slower than an elderly man.

But I’m different. I’m unwell. So I have to rely on faith and belief here now. Faith and belief.

Anyway, moving is difficult too. I have no reason to be in this city…but what else? I have no job…no job…I literally have no where else to go (no family or friends).

I wish I were “normal”. I wish I were “normal” and healthy. I don’t even know what that is anymore. Honest. The truth is that I’m physically in pain and uncomfortable daily and my bowels are not functioning right. I barely walk and if I do , its only one short , slow one a day.

And my eating habits are not helping. So many people eat naturally, listen to themselves, etc…I don’t do that at all. And with my health and bowels like this I really shouldn’t. My portions are double the normal size. I eat veggies in the 3+ cup fulls, I drink back the oils, I eat huge portions of dairy and fish and chicken, etc…I eat giant sweet potatoes and tortillas and all meals, etc…I eat a ton of fruits and a lot of carbs…I also eat a lot of chocolate…like I eat it every day and every night.
Gosh, I feel SO BADLY about that…I mean, if you were only sitting and sleeping and stuff and feeling physically horrible, would u do that? No way….I’ve yet to find one person ever. If you felt marginally normal and could walk around, go to a gym, jog, or do an exercise tape the next day, sure maybe you would…

but not like me…if u were literally , let’s say, in bed or a wheelchair ALL day and experiencing the pain and discomfort as me…u never would…it is insane.

Ugh.

Worse, I got a call to go in and see my doctor tomorrow and I’m not sure why…I am terrified. I’ve had a huge panic attack over it…I actually exhausted myself with the anxiety, so I’ve just said “okay, I can’t do anything about this…go in tomorrow and pray to the lord god she is not putting me in a hospital…please send those good vibes my way…not that you should…or not that i ought to ask…just worried I guess. ….scared, u know, stuff like that.

So, all this worry and stuff…its made productivity non-existent. I sleep, eat, stress, worry, job search, …I try to read , but find myself reading the same page over and over…I haven’t written a word and these blog posts are embarrassing and not what I’d say is productive.

I’m shamed to admit I’ve succumbed to a lot of TV. I guess its the only thing my mind can handle. I have no idea what is happening….where to move….needing to find a cheaper place…what I’ll do after this weekend…after I had gotten that job, I had built up money…enough that I was meeting my minimum payments and rent each month and that helped me breathe a sigh of relief to simply be surviving month to month…and now its gone…and back to practically a ZERO in my bank account. Dear lord, what will I do.

Dear god, please do not see me go in a hospital…i would die dear lord…die…please please please don’t let these people misjudge me and assume assume assume…please dear lord….i will try harder, i will…i just don’t know exactly how to do that…don’t know how or what to eat…don’t know about this shame of never ever moving…literally…god, that’s hard…without a job and without a knowledge of where to go..

breathe breathe breathe

man the stress is unbearable almost…like i want to crawl out of my head or something…like its all unreal

i want to be normal…honest to god…but how when my whole body is dead and my mind is flustered and fuzzy…no joke here…this is constant day-to-day…

i wish i knew what to do

i wish life were magic again

i wish i could really pursue what i wanted to without seeing all the immediate obstacles

wish i could get some source of income…anything dear lord, anything…i need it so bad

this stress will kill me

a few years ago, i was in a real, real depressed state…deep into it

then it faded…even with all this poor poor health and loss of faith from my family…i decided that it wasn’t that dark, i had passions that one day i can still realize

but these last few nights, i’ve fallen back into that darkness, u know…like real dark and sad….it doesn’t help that i’m just sitting and lying down all the time…and eating as much and the way i do – i think i’m making it worse…wish someone could give me advice on that…

anyway

anyway

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