Completely ashamed

I don’t move.

Literally.

I wake up early and eat a huge breakfast that does not sit well. I suffer severe “C” (plugged up), severe trapped wind (contributing to debilitating abdominal stitches, intense back pain, and breath-crushing chest pressure and pain)…

I eat ALL HUGE meals and snacks…all day…no hunger..but I am rigid and roll with the clock, and stuff it in me…

And I sit. HONEST . I SWEAR. no no no exaggeration. My body aches. I am stiff and lethargic and dead. I walk once a day. I haven’t done cardio in over 2 years. I walk only (and its slow and labored and I drag….I can barely walk). No weights. No yoga. Nothing else. Nothing

And tonight…again I binged…my friend (I love this girl) brought me a bag of cookies (cookies with nuts, chocolate, sugar, agave nectar, sunflower oil, sugar, fat, carbs, etc etc)….I ate ALL day long INTENSELY heavy meals and snacks…to the point of pain * severe pain)…..and at night, I started out with my “usual” big snack…then continued my stiff sitting wishing to god I could breathe better, but the back and chest pain are so heavy …and the side stitches squeeze my intestines like two giant iron-clad fists…honest here…so spooky honest…

and I still binged. Stuffed. In pain. And go back (no hunger, but in pain) and eat all the sugar and crap in the cookies…not just one…not just two…not just three…not just….

and what do I do? I sit…I sleep and sleep. I wake up…and then what? I wash my face and EAT a big carby breakfast…and SIT again…and eat, sit, eat, sit, eat, sit, eat, sleep..and in INTENSE pain in my body…I’m driving myself into the hospital this way…My body is seizing with trapped gas and crap and I keep piling it on….

and all I do is sit…you other people that eat and eat…or overeat …or binge…or anything….YOU actually MOVE the next day…YOU DON”T understand…you don’t…i DO NOT move….HONEST….EVER..not just for a month or two…years…years so far…and I’ve worsened, so this is long-standing…and I just keep eating and eating? and piling it in and on my body that is killing me?

Forgive me. God, the shame.

I have to stop reading blogs…I must…cause it makes it so so so much worse. The shame. I need to be an island…that way it is just ME…just ME…and then I won’t feel as intense the shame…then nothing matters anymore…nothing…

Dear god…please help me to accept the things I cannot change….please let me feel that my bed is safe tonight…please help me achieve an honest, peaceful, and safe sleep….and if I die before I wake, I pray for you my soul to take.