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undone

little girl skipping over rocks

picking up blackberries to bring back to grandmother

in the little red cabin

….

little girl skating on a pond

afraid the ice will break

but caring not at all

….

little big girl bounding uphill

poles in hands

up, up, stride by stride on the snow

…..

little big girl flying over rocks and stumps

slow, slow, slow, fast, fast, faster

quietly crossing the line

no smile, but smile inside

a little

…..

little big girl tired

tired

let there peace

tension, wincing, grimacing at the shouting

tension, wincing, grimacing at the looks

tension, wincing, grimacing at the disbeliefs

…..

little big girl tired

shut off the lights

she is tired now

why do they tire her

what has she done

can she just live

….

little little big girl

loses her freedom

they have her now

and she is alone

she faces the wall as she lies on her bed

each day

each night

same thing

she is alone, but she is okay

she is just….

broken

…..

little little big girl

is never the same

broken

too much

…..

little little big girl

loses freedom again

and now she is gone

broken too far

spirit undone

true self lost

she will lose herself there

she will gain skin, flesh, bones, stomach, lumps, pudge, softness,

and she will lose lose lose

her

self

she will lose

herself

the girl she was

is gone

they don’t understand that

she

will

lose

her

soul

…..

little little girl sitting in the barn

sweeping up the hay

raking up the leaves

jumping into haystacks

holding up the fat puppies as they yawn their puppy breath in her face

dancing in the club with arms bare

hauling on the mesh fabric

standing with the medals

eating up the toast

skipping to the store to get the sour keys

slapping at the nippers on the trailer walls in the summer

drinking the orange crush and giggling at the orange mustache on their little faces

giggle

shiny eyes

why the yelling

there are blackberries to gather

why the yelling

there are hills to climb

why the yelling

there is the christmas feast with that blueberry pudding and the funny white sauce

where is the little big girl?

who are they?

why is the bed so cold? the bathroom so tight? who are the sick people lying next to her?

why do they stare?

what is this gravy? what is this peanut butter and 3 stacks of bread with french toast?

where is her mind?

where is the spirit?

where

is

she

gone

……

little big girl

eating the chocolate

good good bye little little big girl

time to lose more of yourself

…..

remember the horses

remember the cold rink

remember the snowy trails

remember the muddy trails

remember the cabin

remember the tree

…..

too much bad

why so much bad in the world

time to lose a bit more of yourself

little big girl

try not to lose it all

will u remember me

will u remember me

she’s gone

she’s not the same

she’ll never be the same

she’ll never be the same

close her eyes

and imagine arms around her shoulders as she sleeps

imagine

as she hugs herself tight

and hopes god

is

holding

her

tight

….

footsteps lost

no footsteps

dear god

please hold her

please carry her

and set her back down

so she can once

again

see

her

footsteps

and

so

she

can

cry

onto

them

and

mourn

the

loss

and

thank

you

for

carrying

her

and

thank

you

for

carrying

her

….

let

her

find

her

footsteps

again

too much panic

Am I not trying hard enough?

I am so confused right now. Will this consistent 3 year++ confusion ever leave me?

I’m applying to jobs and still nothing…when I pay my rent this weekend, I’ll have less than $100 in my bank account. Yes…I have loans, bills, LOC, car payments, car insurance, rent, groceries, gas, etc etc etc…

I’m going to put in my month’s notice this weekend. That might be insane. But I need a window…It’s like its midnight at hours in this little place…moving with be hard, I have no energy. My energy levels are as low as they can get…I don’t even walk most days now…instead I sit and I sleep a lot. A lot. I’m being honest. It kills me when I see others comment to others “do you still walk or something if you don’t do your hard-core exercise that day?”…when all I do is walk each day. If that. And its almost a torture to do that. I’m slower than an elderly man.

But I’m different. I’m unwell. So I have to rely on faith and belief here now. Faith and belief.

Anyway, moving is difficult too. I have no reason to be in this city…but what else? I have no job…no job…I literally have no where else to go (no family or friends).

I wish I were “normal”. I wish I were “normal” and healthy. I don’t even know what that is anymore. Honest. The truth is that I’m physically in pain and uncomfortable daily and my bowels are not functioning right. I barely walk and if I do , its only one short , slow one a day.

And my eating habits are not helping. So many people eat naturally, listen to themselves, etc…I don’t do that at all. And with my health and bowels like this I really shouldn’t. My portions are double the normal size. I eat veggies in the 3+ cup fulls, I drink back the oils, I eat huge portions of dairy and fish and chicken, etc…I eat giant sweet potatoes and tortillas and all meals, etc…I eat a ton of fruits and a lot of carbs…I also eat a lot of chocolate…like I eat it every day and every night.
Gosh, I feel SO BADLY about that…I mean, if you were only sitting and sleeping and stuff and feeling physically horrible, would u do that? No way….I’ve yet to find one person ever. If you felt marginally normal and could walk around, go to a gym, jog, or do an exercise tape the next day, sure maybe you would…

but not like me…if u were literally , let’s say, in bed or a wheelchair ALL day and experiencing the pain and discomfort as me…u never would…it is insane.

Ugh.

Worse, I got a call to go in and see my doctor tomorrow and I’m not sure why…I am terrified. I’ve had a huge panic attack over it…I actually exhausted myself with the anxiety, so I’ve just said “okay, I can’t do anything about this…go in tomorrow and pray to the lord god she is not putting me in a hospital…please send those good vibes my way…not that you should…or not that i ought to ask…just worried I guess. ….scared, u know, stuff like that.

So, all this worry and stuff…its made productivity non-existent. I sleep, eat, stress, worry, job search, …I try to read , but find myself reading the same page over and over…I haven’t written a word and these blog posts are embarrassing and not what I’d say is productive.

I’m shamed to admit I’ve succumbed to a lot of TV. I guess its the only thing my mind can handle. I have no idea what is happening….where to move….needing to find a cheaper place…what I’ll do after this weekend…after I had gotten that job, I had built up money…enough that I was meeting my minimum payments and rent each month and that helped me breathe a sigh of relief to simply be surviving month to month…and now its gone…and back to practically a ZERO in my bank account. Dear lord, what will I do.

Dear god, please do not see me go in a hospital…i would die dear lord…die…please please please don’t let these people misjudge me and assume assume assume…please dear lord….i will try harder, i will…i just don’t know exactly how to do that…don’t know how or what to eat…don’t know about this shame of never ever moving…literally…god, that’s hard…without a job and without a knowledge of where to go..

breathe breathe breathe

man the stress is unbearable almost…like i want to crawl out of my head or something…like its all unreal

i want to be normal…honest to god…but how when my whole body is dead and my mind is flustered and fuzzy…no joke here…this is constant day-to-day…

i wish i knew what to do

i wish life were magic again

i wish i could really pursue what i wanted to without seeing all the immediate obstacles

wish i could get some source of income…anything dear lord, anything…i need it so bad

this stress will kill me

a few years ago, i was in a real, real depressed state…deep into it

then it faded…even with all this poor poor health and loss of faith from my family…i decided that it wasn’t that dark, i had passions that one day i can still realize

but these last few nights, i’ve fallen back into that darkness, u know…like real dark and sad….it doesn’t help that i’m just sitting and lying down all the time…and eating as much and the way i do – i think i’m making it worse…wish someone could give me advice on that…

anyway

anyway

I’m not going to lie and pretend it is not hard. Because it is.

But I have to believe that is okay.

I spent some time away from several, several specific blogs. And I spent time as an “island”.

It helps to be an island. When you are an island….you can do no wrong. There is no wrong or right. There is no guilt. There is no self-doubt.

The truth: I once walked, jogged, ran, biked, did much.

The truth: I do none of these things no more. But I think the hardest thing about this is the extreme, extreme nature of it. For nearly 3 years….just a short walk a day. It seems insane. And I know…I know…many of you would never, ever be able to cope. In fact, you would be disgusted

Would you eat big meals and snacks and only walk ONCE a day? And sit sit sit the remainder of the day? Would you eat chocolate at all times during the day…would you even suffer insomnia and arise at 3 am simply just to eat more chocolate and then hear your bowels churn for the night? And would you then arise from your restless and sleepless nights to eat a big, big breakfast….fighting the guilt and doubt? And do that all. day. long?

When I hear and read people say they feel guilty for eating too much or eating junk…when i hear and read people say that they feel they must restrict grains and calories and sweets the next day….it poisons me….poisons me….I want to grab you by your shoulders and shake you beyond repair….I want to yell and scream: if YOU feel that way, then how the hell shall I feel?

Because you wake up and can move…..you can go to a gym…you can lift a weight….you can jog, stumble…you can run…you can bike, hike, …..you can raise your heart-rate, which is supposed to be a good thing.

I’ve done none of this for nearly 3 years…and if you knew my situation right now…right now…you would know that I will not be doing it for a long, long, long, long time yet.

Essentially I am in for at least a 2-year battle. This I know for sure. At least. I spoke with a person who has been there and is currently there again. She has buried exercise desires and dreams. She engages in her art now. In peace. And she eats.

Would you eat grains and wheat? Sugar and chocolate? Would you do all this if you were not moving …for a very long time…..people then frighten you and say “you will gain all fat, fat, fat”…that is wrong.

To that, I must choose to ignore. I must. Must. Must. It is the only way to survive. I can get fat. And healthy. I can go beyond anything ever deemed “right”. And I can then do things better. I hope.

I wish I had someone to tell me what to do. Not dumb-lipped doctors who offer different opinions and share your real thoughts. So am I right?

Or is this chronic feeling of fibromyalgia and muscle-tissue and bone-breakdown….is this a result of all the sitting? But what? I cannot just stand or pace all day long. I know when I walk , I am turtle-turtle slow….I find it a chore – a labor. The pressure on my heart and the stitches in my abdomen. And the back pain.

But I must not let others bring me down. As they eat and feel guilt and then move, accomplish, burn, burn , burn.

I shall not let it get me.

Every day I have to repeat to myself: “Everyday I am getting better”….”Everyday I am getting stronger”….I must repeat that 100x a day…as I sit sit sit sit sit sit….as my mind fails to focus….as I feel like my body is dead and cannot function right….as I feel the guilt and doubt and true wonder….I MUST say that….

I MUST be an island…I must must must….for it is the only only way to survive.

The only way.

And for some link love…positive blog posts or things read and seen….things where I do not have hear or see others that infuse me with guilt.

1. This post by a new blog I stumbled upon. Lovely and positive thoughts. This is a positive thing. It is neutral and simple. It is harmless.

2. Some simple fudgy pictures to admire and ponder.

3. This post here because without such pictures and enthusiasm from people who stay in these hotels and swim in these pools…how would I be able to dream? Dreaming is good. Very good.

4. This post because it makes me consider life and happiness.

That is all.

I wish I could say I feel better about sitting. I wish I could not feel this pain and this stiffness and this guilt. But I have to keep repeating to myself that “I am okay”….and despite the confusion of whether it is right….I have to just be….and hope this is right….god, please tell me what to do.

I feel so lost in my life right now. I have to decide if I will put in a notice for this apartment. But then what? What if I am unable to find anything in this small city (that I have no real reason to be in)? That…and the fact that I still have no job….still none…..what am I to do?

And I eat all day and all night. And I awake to do it all again. And I never exercise. Is it right? What do I do? what do I do.

Keep repeating that I am an island. An island. An island. And be positive. It is the only, only, only way to avoid a negative and miserable cycle that is far too dangerous to keep doing.

I don’t move.

Literally.

I wake up early and eat a huge breakfast that does not sit well. I suffer severe “C” (plugged up), severe trapped wind (contributing to debilitating abdominal stitches, intense back pain, and breath-crushing chest pressure and pain)…

I eat ALL HUGE meals and snacks…all day…no hunger..but I am rigid and roll with the clock, and stuff it in me…

And I sit. HONEST . I SWEAR. no no no exaggeration. My body aches. I am stiff and lethargic and dead. I walk once a day. I haven’t done cardio in over 2 years. I walk only (and its slow and labored and I drag….I can barely walk). No weights. No yoga. Nothing else. Nothing

And tonight…again I binged…my friend (I love this girl) brought me a bag of cookies (cookies with nuts, chocolate, sugar, agave nectar, sunflower oil, sugar, fat, carbs, etc etc)….I ate ALL day long INTENSELY heavy meals and snacks…to the point of pain * severe pain)…..and at night, I started out with my “usual” big snack…then continued my stiff sitting wishing to god I could breathe better, but the back and chest pain are so heavy …and the side stitches squeeze my intestines like two giant iron-clad fists…honest here…so spooky honest…

and I still binged. Stuffed. In pain. And go back (no hunger, but in pain) and eat all the sugar and crap in the cookies…not just one…not just two…not just three…not just….

and what do I do? I sit…I sleep and sleep. I wake up…and then what? I wash my face and EAT a big carby breakfast…and SIT again…and eat, sit, eat, sit, eat, sit, eat, sleep..and in INTENSE pain in my body…I’m driving myself into the hospital this way…My body is seizing with trapped gas and crap and I keep piling it on….

and all I do is sit…you other people that eat and eat…or overeat …or binge…or anything….YOU actually MOVE the next day…YOU DON”T understand…you don’t…i DO NOT move….HONEST….EVER..not just for a month or two…years…years so far…and I’ve worsened, so this is long-standing…and I just keep eating and eating? and piling it in and on my body that is killing me?

Forgive me. God, the shame.

I have to stop reading blogs…I must…cause it makes it so so so much worse. The shame. I need to be an island…that way it is just ME…just ME…and then I won’t feel as intense the shame…then nothing matters anymore…nothing…

Dear god…please help me to accept the things I cannot change….please let me feel that my bed is safe tonight…please help me achieve an honest, peaceful, and safe sleep….and if I die before I wake, I pray for you my soul to take.

I did bake in an attempt to distract my mind. I actually spent time standing up. That is extremely rare. I honestly sit 24-7. I wish that were an exaggeration, I honestly wish it were. But its not….its reality. Breathe and accept.

bread 005

It was a recipe I obtained from a very old “Clean Eating” magazine. And the link I reference there shows the magazine issue that contains the exact recipe. And this loaf I bake both looks and tastes amazing. There are no gimmicks. Nothing special. It also has nice nutritional stats…normal, but a “healthy” loaf….not that that is necessary or matters (trust me…I do not profess to be a food-angel). Anyway, it uses almond flour, buckwheat flour, and quinoa flour. Honey, eggs, olive oil, almond milk, baking powder, etc…

I will give you a rough idea of this recipe (I followed their recipe exactly, but I’ll just tweak some things here in order to give you an “idea” and avoid being sued by their magazine…).

Honey Almond-Quinoa-Buckwheat Bread

- 1 cup almond flour, 1 + 1/4 cup quinoa flour, 3/4 cup buckwheat flour

- 3 tsp baking powder

- 2 eggs

- 1 cup milk or nondairy milk ( I used vanilla almond breeze)

- 3 Tbsps of Honey

- 1/3 cup olive oil

- 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

- 1/2 cup – 1 cup of sunflower seeds, and/or raisins, chocolate chips, etc…(their recipe used sunflower seeds…and the picture in the magazine looked great…I did not have sunflower seeds….so I choice both raisins, choco chips, and chopped walnuts….possibilities are wide open).

Mix dry ingredients. Mix wet ingredients. Combine. Mix. Pour into a greased (I used olive oil) bread/loaf pan. Bake for 40 –45 mins at 350 degrees. BUT, watch it ( I used less time…so judge accordingly).

bread 006 

Sorry for the poor picture quality. This actually far exceeds my expectations. I have no lighting in the kitchen, no patience, and a tiny camera that I have no idea how to operate.

Other things:

- I am in such mental and physical distress guys. Honestly. I am not complaining, I am not whining. I’m just saying. And it is my blog – so why can I not write what I like? I NEVER dictate what another person can write or say or feel on their blog ….it is their life, their choice…I am completely separate from any other person in the world – so why would anyone bother to read my stuff if they don’t want to read it (just don’t…simple….not like I have any reason to affect you or matter to you).

- I will give you a brief synopsis. I continue to sit or lie down 24-7. And I’m not joking. I am in severe back pain, abdominal stitching, and chest pressure. I have extreme trapped “wind” in my body (i.e. I cannot expel gas through either “end “ of me….oh yeah, lovely). I also have been with “C” for 8 days now….contributing to and worsening the trapped wind condition. Dear god, I have no idea what to do…I try to lie down and wear it off and no go. I don’t move (I walk once a day) and that is unbearable cause I’m in such discomfort…so…

And ironically food suggestions from different sources will say increase grains and fiber (in order to relieve the constipation) or decrease fiber (i.e. eat rice krispies instead….in order to relieve the trapped wind)….I am eating everything now and don’t want to think on it….now how on earth am I supposed to increase calories, eat 6+ times a day, etc etc….and deal with this chronic pain.

I have another medical test tomorrow that will not be pleasant (have to drink something that actually contributes to “C” …and I already have “C”….so yeah….is this a cruel joke)….

I’m going to try to forget, breathe, and focus ONLY on all the things I ought to be thankful for. That is all. Focus only on that. And avoid reading detailed food blogs….when I do ZERO exercise, am in pain, and eat carbs and every other food in big quantity WHILE in this distress…the last thing I need to do is compare to others…

now, go bake some bread.

p.s….do you like pictures with the added “frame” or not? ideas on how to relieve “C”, trapped wind, etc?

updating

All last week was a numb and fragile experience.

I read very, very few blogs.

Last week was a …. god, what was it? I am not sure. Let’s just say I had a nervous breakdown practically. I saw 3 different doctors, had 3 different tests…and scheduled for several more unpleasant tests….scary things happened….

I was and continue to be “plugged” up (the big “C”) 5 days in a row….and in terrible pain….and it broke only for a limited bit….I’ve still not fully become “unplugged” and am in severe distress.,,,\

i think that is my life…my reality….forever….

I wish this upon no one else. It is not pleasant….I would not wish it on my own worst enemy.

I am physically at the lowest point I have ever been. I’m lucky to not be in hospital right now. But ….I am treading a risky and very fine line. Very, very fine line…things could get worse ..my heart, bowels, and liver are specifically showing hints…

I’ve reduced my walks to just one 20-30 minute per day. I’ve been in bed or sitting on chair. I’ve been and am “plugged”…nauseous….guilt-ridden.

But not reading food blogs has helped tremendously. Ironically, Michael Pollan (Journalist and Author) has even said that there is no one right way to eat….he has said that you cannot look to “food bloggers” or “nutritionists” or “doctors” or “journalists” (yes, he even said food bloggers). And I KNOW that helps. Not reading about the latest vegetarian or the latest paleo-enthusiast can be helpful….especially for me a big non-vegetarian (who still likes vegetarian things), and grain-inclusive, and binger like myself.

Yes, I even just last night did a double take. I went to town…it started with a full box of crunchy cereal….and on it went…

and remember: I wake up to simply eat again. I DO NOT exercise…beyond ONE short and laborious walk….SO THE GUILT IS PROFOUND…eating grains? eating way way too much? eating junk???

and NOT exercising? and being “plugged” and nauseous…not good my friends…not good.

I still have no job…and I have about a week to decide if I will keep this place after May (already locked in for May). Still have no job. My mother told me I have no option and must go home….not.going.to.happen. NEVER>…not an option…so I am desperately seeking a job….dear lord.

Unfortunately, I’ve Completely Lost My Head And Mind. Do you know where it is? I have ZERO concentration….which is why I saw a gazillion movies on TV this weekend, watch way too much reality TV (Celebrity Apprentice being my number 1 choice), reading fiction Sophie Kinsella I snabbed from the library to attempt at distraction, buying groceries with money that is on an “output” and not an “input” basis…and eating…and eating…and eating…and never ever hungry…and sleeping and sitting on my white ass 24-7.

One walk a day.

Dear god, please help me deal with the guilt and shame. Please.

I did make a Pumpkin Loaf Bread which tastes so so so amazing. I tried to take a picture …but you can’t see it…I have no light in this apartment…and I have no idea how to work that little camera I have. But its yummy. The recipe called for whole-wheat flour and spelt flour…but I used quinoa flour + brown rice flour. Also included eggs, honey (!), oil (lots), raisins, chocolate chips, pumpkin puree, spices, and some other stuff I can’t remember.

And again the guilt…why should I eat junk? why should I bake ACTUAL baked good (NOT low-carb) and binge on them….why should i binge on cereals, chips, chocolate? why should i eat way too much when NEVER hungry….why should i eat so many bread products? or grains first thing morning till late at night (every meal and snack) and so, so , so many animal products….when I NEVER exercise….for OVER 3 YEARS…..when I’m a lump?

Phew….got that out…just have to get the shame, guilt, and self-doubt out….good.

Go make some kind of yummy baked goods….eat grains…eat whatever …..YOU all deserve it…TRUST me…throw away your guilt and doubt….

I only walk one short, short, labored stroll a day…and i sit and eat…and its not working…and I have no job….

right…

so Charlie Sheen has the sun coated in candy-shelled dollar bills shining from his ass compared to me….

Done…..breathe….

something I will add….last week, i met up with a friend…and she has been very helpful for me this past week…she even went to one appointment with me…she talked to me….told me its okay….calms me down….tells me to rest and not think…and she told me something important also “ you must surround yourself with people who only have faith and confidence in you right now….because you have a huge physical and mental hill to climb…so you must NOT compare or look to others….you must focus only on yourself and believe in god and spirit…and rest and do for you”….

a real-life friend….and those words make sense

surround yourself with people who only have faith and confidence in you…

it is just like Oprah has said when talking about her methods for getting guests on her show …if they don’t want, she doesn’t want them…

peace. let us all have some peace.

– i have to say “shame on me” as I watch the ABC Evening News and they tell the story of a girl who was able to get a prosthetic leg and assistance from family to walk down her wedding aisle…and be carried home in the arms of her new hubby,,,,,i have to say “shame on me” as I watch another story on the local news about the girl who fights every day to re-learn just to move her toes….

i feel immense guilt for sitting and sleeping…it has been YEARS (not months)…and it WILL be at least another 2 years….this is my reality….and so shame on any of you as well that feel you do nothing….my god…do u even know? do u even know what u do? it is so amazing….so amazing…so amazing that i can’t even read food or fitness blogs like i once did…

Last notes on random posts or blogs I have managed to glimpse-read:

- this fun post about the Sweet Valley High books….I am wait-listed at my library for the new one….but it might be months before I get it there and I may end up elsewhere yet…so…no job, so not able to purchase…things are real, real, real bad financially…

- another wonderful post from this lady (who is one of my fave blogs…its about life and every little things…i can visit this blog and not think about “other” things…that is welcome for me)

- this girl always has “short n’ sweet” posts…and eats and loves sweet potatoes and tortillas like me….i eat potatoes every day..and grains every day….gulp …(that no exercise or movement thing triggers the gulp)..

- i always wish i was as centered and at peace as this girl seems to be

– stumbled into this blog and she can eat the whole bag of Alexis potatoes also (again, I feel she can…but me? not exercising…and eating a ton besides that…guilt ensues…i do it anyway)…

- this girl is in Australia!!! I would love to be there…oh my…

- this girl has some pretty neat recipe and meal ideas….nice ideas…

that is all for now….i’ve really just hit the fan with things lately….in every way possible..and no one understands…nope, not at all….i detest when people say “i know”….acknowledgment that is genuine is fine….but negativity or ignorance …i’d rather not feel it or hear it or see it…and i refuse to exclude foods or entire food groups….even if i sleep all day literally…i will not exclude (on that note, a therapist once told me long ago that binging, etc happens because your body is not trusting you or balanced yet…you’re not balanced…your all the time at one extreme mentally and-or physically…accept that in some time, when time is right, u might find that balance…in meantime, worry not and be your own friend – stop feeling you are a loser…i have to remember this…and i have to limit blog reading….its just too hard and can throw me unnecessary negativity)….

same thing, different day

- the girl over eats and eats too much junk all day…and then continues at night, out of lonlieness and boredom…her bowels are churning…she has been “plugged” up for several days….her back aches due to this fact…her belly is distended hard as a rock beyond normality, it is scary….she keeps eating…carbs, grains, fats, sweets…junk….she rolls into bed

- the girl wakes up…washes face….slept in or has hit snooze too long…every day…not hungry in slightest…walks a few steps to kitchen, preps breakfast, eats breakfast…

- the girl remains plugged up….reads for a bit, falls into a state of sleep apnea and lies down on bed to fall back asleep again

- get up, eats snack she does not want…still plugged up…belly and backaches profound….she goes for a short walk in her winter clothes because of the chill in the air and because her apartment is freezing cold, so she is unable to “warm up” efficiently…walk is short and lazy…every tiny step forward is laborious and heavy…like there are balls and chains on her feet…old men and women taking a pleasant walk pass her as she walks…she feels sleepy, tired,,,,heavy…returns home

- the girl makes lunch, eats lunch….still feel crappy

- reads, perhaps a long drive, to the grocery store (to spend money from an account to which no money is coming in..she lost her job…she has no income), maybe a drive to the library to browse again…

- returns home, getting in and out of car is laborious..so heavy, so sleepy…she eats a snack…sits and reads a bit more….maybe take a short walk if she has not fallen asleep again….

- the girl prepares dinner…takes longer than 30 mins to prep all these meals…takes 30 seconds to wolf it down with no desire or appeal…tummy already chock full, no where to put it…gurgles, bloat, painful…sleepy

- girl sits and watches tv….glued to chair (as in all day), keeps eating, reads, dozes on and off

- girl eats snack (a.k.a. another meal)…gets out of hand…more sweets…more carbs and grains and fats….sitting, hurting…rolls into bed

and girl gets up to do it all again, over and over and over again

and girl cannot “exercise” or “burn” it off…..not like YOU ALL can do….not like her sisters and old friends do….and girl still has no energy….

- girl feels crappy, bad about herself…

shame on her: she cannot exercise…shame on her: she is not approaching her health in a healthy manner…shame on her for being such a loser and having NO income….she cannot even “write articles” on the side to earn extra cash…she has no source of income….she is having all these medical tests that are scary and is terrified she will end up in hospital and NO ONE seems to get that…NO ONE seems to care…past acquaintances tell her she just has a “bad attitude” and a “complainer”…..she is not NOT complaining or saying “woe is me”…she is STATING THE FACTS…and the FEARS…what would u do?…if forced into hospital to eat stale bread and rice krispies with fake margarine and crappy cookies…what would u do?…if u over-eat , every night, sugars and carbs, and then do it all day long….no “fresh” days…and no ability to exercise it “away”….

i will cope better

i will…i must…i cannot focus on writing, reading…i have NO income….i have no idea if i should put in my notice at this apartment…i have scary more medical tests and scary more doctors to say…so sorry, I AM NOT sorry…its a lot to deal with…and i’m letting it out…letting out the fear, worry, etc….i WANT to be stronger, and i will…but i’m only human….and unless you are SUPERMAN….i wonder how you would cope…you may not know, until you actually are in those shoes…and it is not, not easy or nice

i have to deal with this in 2011….i am a sack of nothing…useless….i must must figure it all out and get better….

and worries are galore…no income..dear lord, help me find some way….

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